Recently, my bandmate threw my own words back at me - “I want to let it go but I care too much, so…” And I couldn’t tell if I was about to burst into tears or laughter.
April is a tough month; the weather warms up and the sun is out, people come out of their winter holes. The end of the school year ramps up with May recitals around the corner and Mental Health Awareness month peaking through. And while so many exit their winter seasonal depression, I enter my spring/summer seasonal depression.
I try to to keep up with April, but honestly this month is known for kicking my butt year after year! I've come to dread it and that likely doesn't help. Like many other years, this April has checked all the boxes for a sucky month.
But something's different this year - I'm starting to really feel the community I've built around myself over the past few years in Chicago. Instead of crying alone in my room I'm crying with friends at a bar in public. Instead of grunting that my car got towed again and staying up until 5am by myself trying to get it back - my friends are trailing behind me and fighting with the people with me. Instead of working myself to the ground every night to avoid feeling anything, my friends are pulling me away from my desktop screen to stare at a different screen - the screen airing an intense gamecube round of monkey ball with homemade cocktails in hand. Instead of trying to do everything myself all the time, my friends patiently talk me through the waves of emotion of letting go of control to let people in who want to be there and support my crazy antics.
It's strange in the most beautiful way. I don't think little Maria could have ever imagined feeling this held, this connected and loved. Every day I get a little older and a little more loved, a little more held. And like my cat most times I squirm and squirm and maybe even gently bite until I'm dropped so I can run and hide under the bed. But also like my cat, sometimes I just give in, and nestle my little head on their shoulder and have a good stretch and yawn and gently fall asleep, knowing that I'm safe.
I have a lot of big ideas, and a lot of ambition and sheer will to see these through and it's a double edged sword of awesome and fearsome. I feel incredibly grateful that I get to share these ideas with so many amazing people who see it and care about it too -- it's so damn lucky to get to give it a go with them!!
April is coming to a close, and May is going to be just as tough but I'm ready this time.
April Fools is out everywhere you can stream. And on Bandcamp too! And more is coming, so stay tuned... :D